Katie Holmes and Me

Hi, kids! I'm back from a self-imposed sabbatical, and I probably have much more meaningful things to blog about than Katie Holmes' invasion of my life (like, oh, Working At MAGIC or My Thoughts On The New Season Of Project Runway or perhaps How To Do Strength Training Using The 20-Pound September Fashion Magazines), but I'm choosing to put those aside for the moment. Because, see, I just can't get over how frequently Katie Holmes is popping up in my brain.

Reason # 1: Her haircut and Suri's are synchronized with my haircut and my friend Erin's.

For the past 6 months or so, I have basically had the same haircut as Katie Holmes (she got it after I did, in case you suspected me of celeb-follower-itis. NO, YOU DOUBTERS, I AM TOTALLY ORIGINAL AT ALL TIMES.) and Erin has basically had the same haircut as Suri Cruise (I assume that Erin also had the cut first, since before that, Suri probably didn't have enough hair to qualify as a "cut").  See below:

 

Recently, both Erin and I changed it up a little bit. Somehow, I now have Suri's current hairstyle* and Erin has morphed into the recently-pixied Katie:

[*is it more disturbing that my haircut is the same as 2-year-old Suri's or that it's the same as my own as a 2-year-old?]

Clearly, Fate has already chosen our Halloween costumes for us this year.

Reason #2: I can't get Katie's pegged jeans out of my head.

The fact that pegged jeans are being called a new trend and that Katie is the poster child makes me want to scream. These pants are hideous. She's photographed wearing them day after day, en route to drama practice for whatever it is she's playacting in, and you'd think she was Kate Moss in the days of the Revolutionary High-Waisted Jean a year or 2 ago. Jesus, people--she looks HORRIBLE!  She's not being trendy, she's just being lazy, HELLO! She probably has some really embarassing stomach problem, is super-bloated right now and is resorting to these awful baggy jeans as a last resort before Juicy Couture sweatsuits. That's truly the only explanation I can come up with for why this fashion abomination is occurring so often on the usually-weirdly-chic Mrs. Cruise. (Did she change her name, btw? I'm not actually sure. I can't imagine that Tommy Boy would've let her get away with retaining something of her own as crucial as a last name, though.)

Barring the bloating possibility, my other theory is that Tom is punishing Katie for having the independence to act in a play by herself (vs. costarring in yet another Tom Cruise Movie) by taking away all her nice jeans and telling her that until she quits Broadway, she can only wear these monstrosities. Little did he know she'd care enough about the theater to relinquish her designer names--which seem generally to substitute for all personal identity at this point for Katie--and trudge back and forth every day in the ugliest jeans ever.  And perhaps Vogue is in on the secret and is doing poor Katie a massive favor by pretending it's a hot new style statement and thereby helping her salvage some shred of dignity. It's failing miserably, but it's a generous thought. Maybe I should take back my criticisms. Or not--they are seriously THE MOST UNFLATTERING PANTS IN THE UNIVERSE. They make her hips and thighs look massive, her legs look stubby, and have that tacky bleached whiskering that was popular among high school girls, oh, eight years ago. And, since it's Katie Holmes, they definitely cost around $200. Tragic.

See how much thought I've given this woman recently? It's pathetic. As kids used to say in middle school, "Get outta my face, girl!"  For realz.  But, um, keep rocking the good haircuts.