Anthropologie Targets Crayola Lovers, Thesaurus Fans

[anthropologie's welcoming message. ooookay. just wait 'til you find out what they have to say about that sweater...]

Many of my friends swear by Anthropologie, extolling the virtues of their dresses.  The stuff my discerning amigas have scored there is definitely lovely, though the actual Anthropologie stores are a little cloying for my taste (all that shabby chic makes me want to go take refuge in an Eames museum). But I had no idea how far "cloying" could be taken until I started getting their catalog in the mail.  I'm not sure why, since I've never ordered anything from them, but maybe it's thanks to the wonderful grey boots I got from sister company Free People. 

Anyway, what started as a casual catalog flip-through ended with my jaw hanging open and my mind completely blown by the insane descriptions Anthropologie attaches to its perfectly sane clothing. INSANE! The sentences sound like something Bai Ling would come up with to describe her state of mind after a nice evening of Ecstacy and goat-herding. For instance:

The Unbloomed Bulb Necklace ($218): "flattened orbs of amber resin crave the warmth of the sun." Do they, now? If that's true, they sound a little scary to have living on my neck.

What's going on on the "Chiffchaff Cardi," you ask? Ah, here we go: "a wee warbler and delicate shrubbery roost on golden sweaterknit." Excuse me? "A wee warbler"--are we in Ireland now? And since when does shrubbery roost on things? Also, I'd like to point out, "sweaterknit" is not a technical term. Sweaters are knit, but there is no "sweaterknit." Christ.

How's life over in the land of the "Hushed Hamlet Dress"? I hesitate to ask, but... "Dobby stripes nestle cozily 'neath the ruched poplin bodice of the strapless sheath, as a neighborly self-sash circles the charming scene." Now we're going with a cute Shakespearean linguistic twist? But I thought we were in Ireland! Oh wait, no, hamlets ARE British, aren't they. And Hamlet. Apparently, in Hushed Hamlet Dress Land, ribbons are neighborly, and dresses are "scenes."  Got it. But wait, how is it again that the stripes are nestling, exactly? I guess I didn't read the Cliffs Notes....

Now for my favorite, the "Stretching Acres Cardigan." Looks cute enough. Seems a little odd to give it a name that implies such immensity, but that's easy to overlook...until you discover that its "wrapped linen-cotton is vast with gentle draping and softness." GOOD LORD. "Is vast with"? SERIOUSLY? That's not even a PHRASE, and if it were, what in hell would it mean when referring to a short-sleeved wrap sweater?!  I don't think they're trying to imply plus-size here, so what on earth the Anthropologie copywriters think is appealing about this sentence truly mystifies me. I give up.

The thing is, Anthropologie is an enormously successful company with loyal customers and scores of retail stores. They must have done market research, pinpointed their target customers, and written this drivel with that target audience in mind. But I can't imagine that my Anthro-fan friends go into dreamy fantasies and whip out their credit cards in response to this stuff...so who does? Someone must. I have to imagine it's the upper-30s-sorta-hippie set who aren't quite old enough for J.Jill or whatever, but are they truly into the Calgon-take-me-away nonsense? Or has the market research failed, and everyone thinks the blurbs are baloney but likes the pretty clothes enough to keep on getting the catalog, thereby convincing the Anthro text dept that they've succeeded? Anyone with answers, please enlighten!